so what if ur given a chance?  a chance at something maybe u werent expecting.  something u may have never wanted, but wanted to be a part of.  something ur so unsure of.  a real long shot.                                                   a test, a true test of ones self.  to continue on the set path, or to make ur own.  and yeah its to show others what u can do, but what ifs its mainly for urself?  can u do it?   what will u do to make it work?  how much blood will u shed to see it succeed?   would u cower back in a hole and go unnoticed, or will u put on a good show? 

doubt–verb (used with object)

1.	to be uncertain about; consider questionable or unlikely; hesitate to believe.

2.	to distrust.

3.	Archaic. to fear; be apprehensive about.

–verb (used without object)

4.	to be uncertain about something; be undecided in opinion or belief.

–noun

5.	a feeling of uncertainty about the truth, reality, or nature of something.

6.

distrust.

7.	a state of affairs such as to occasion uncertainty.

8.	Obsolete. fear; dread.

re·gret  

fear

                                think id rather put on a damn good show

so if we have deer in north america, and we have antelope in africa,  2 similar creatures but a great distance apart, isnt it kinda stupid to think that this is all the life in the universe, on this one planet? 

there is this truck that im working on, getting a brake job.  it needs this vavle, a valve to distribute the fluid that goes through the lines that put pressure against a piston, that pushes 2 pads composed of anything from metal shavings to burlap compressed into a neat little shape, that then squeezes against a fat metal frisbee to stop u from mowing down animals and people.  im holding this vavle in my hand as i go to take a piss, thinking what to do next on this job, and i look down, and realize, i have a valve.  a sort of biomechical valve to relieve the excrement thats left over for the filtering process we call "digestion", even a blender we call a "stomach", and a waste disposal we call a "butthole".    and thats when i think, theres something special about this valve.  it must come with some kind of addition that allows this machine to usually run much smoother, or "rationally" then the other kind of machine missing this valve.  they have a crack in the foundation, or a "vagina", or as i heard it put best once, "nothing more then a juicy orifice". not this valve of mine in paiticular, just in general, anything without a penis is almost always nuts.   ironic.    hmm....think about that for a second.       usually. 

anyways, and thats the point of life.  to fiddle around valves of one sort or another and blitzkrieging orifices of one sort or another.   alot of people fiddle around too much, and get rusted, or "CRABS".  some intend to manufactor a newer version of this biomechical marvel.  some of these should reconsider.  i dunno.  did i mention sluts suck

i bet wed all get along better if no one had no skin. 

who would think that morrissey would need so many on-stage body guards?  u go sweaty man!!  u go through 4 shirts a show!!  thats style

i wonder where the automobile lies on the food chain, higher then a deer, lower then say, a bear.  taking out furry creatures relentlessly and mowing down innocent pedestrians cold heartedly like only 3500 lbs. of steel can.  i saw a woman driving a school bus on a cell phone.  now, i believe the bus was empty, but still

twice in my life ive had to dig a hole for a poor animal thats fought and lost against a car.  once was my fault.  it breaks ur heart, watching the thing struggle until a spastic end.  quite a gruesome way to go.  some of us learn something about ourselves, like if a member of ur family were to be involved in a car accident and become a vegetable, would u pull the plug?  would they want u too?  could U do it?  can u put this thing out of its miserary or will u try ur best to comfort it while it dies?  and when u do comfort it, and it shits all over u, is that because its scared shitless or because thats its muscles relaxing before rigor mortis sets in about an hour.  does this thing believe ur going to ravage it after it dies, maybe before, or can it pick up on ur good intentions and be content in that it is not alone in its passing.       sometimes, watching a rabbit die will put u in rehab.

it begins with a peice of cardboard.  it begins with a straw.  it begins with a song.  it begins with a smell.  it begins with a videogame. 

Pedophilla is the least curable mental illness to date.   people sent to prison for this act are the most repeat offenders of any crime.  there was a guy that used to kinda worked in the same building with me once, and he had been arrested.  he is on the megans law website.  he is by law not allowed to own a cell phone, or use a computer.  he uses the computer at work and took his moms cell phone to keep up with these young girls afterwards.  and the people who do the most to stay straight are often counciled constantly and treated with meds.    ?????  dont know what to say

anyways...

was working on a truck today, doin an alignment, and the owner, this guy, had brought a dog with him.  a german shepard guard dog.  apparently it is a common problem for any dog really, but especially larger dogs, they begin to have hip problems.  i dont know what all this intales, but its common. 

anyways...

this dude was sitting under a tree while i did the truck.  it looked so peaceful.  the guy was sitting in the shade while the dog laid there next to him.  cars drove by once in awhile, the dog doesnt attempt to move.  they are both just sitting under the shade of a tree.  it was cool.  made me decided at some point im goin have a big dog, like a boxer or a great dane, and it will be them and me under a tree, drinking tea, by the sea.  i dunno, itd be cool

my boss tells this story of a great dane he once had.  his ex-wife was in a field by their house throwing a ball with the dog, and at some point the dog was running full speed towards her.  no big deal, except he forgot to slow down, and when she dodged left, he dodged right.  he hit her at full force, sent her flying about 10 feet back, had the dog roll over her, then roll an additional 10 feet.  the dog got up right away, shook his head, and started running around again.  she did not get up for about 2 minutes.  "thats the best memory of my ex-wife"

im looking through my pictures, thinkin bout back in the day...yeah right.  its funny how u can see how abruptly some things enter and exit ur life, sometimes even repeatedly.    i have pictures on a phone, it is the 2nd to last one ive had that have pictures from my 21st birthday, on my last phone, i forget what but i know thats why i kept it.  my camera, oh how i love the camera, but its strange.  its obivious when i got it and started using it, but then a few months go by and i dont know where it is, find it, start using it again, forget about it again.  i remember times at bars, at work, when ive not had it, even when i have had it, and not used it.          some things are so short lived, some r not, some leave such an impact, some do not...   im just confused

anyways...

these pictures...i have so many pictures of stuff from work, like this trailer thing ive been helping on.

now ive been drinking a little.  im ashamed to say that im probably a pretty buzzed.  i was going to go out for food, but apparently not now.  its been months since ive had anything other then the weekly beer on sunday for dinner.  part of this is due to work, most of it is due to the fact that i dont like drinking anymore.  this isnt fun.  being late for work, being hungover, being tired and lazy, this isnt for me.  and i have responsibilites, like work, like if i get a DUI, i lose my job, i lose everything.  i can not afford to do it, its not worth it to me.  i am being more productive, a better person for not doing the drinking thing.  and im tired of seeing how people are when they are drunk and when ur sober.  how they act, what they do...the latter hits home somewhat.  i dont like the decisions i make when ive been drinking.  i dont miss going through half a bottle or so a night or spending 75 or 100 bucks at the bar.  i need tools, i need to save for a new car, i need to get the hell out of here...    yeah, ive got other vices, so im a hipicrite.  but im productive.    stupid people can get self righteous somewhere else, fuck off

and thats where the pictures come in.  i have proof to myself, a constant reminder that i know how to do something, i can do it now.  some things enter and exit your life abruptly, some do not...im sad to see things go, to change, but they must i guess.  getting a new tat on thursday, an airbrush on tuesday hopefully, ive almost quit smoking...for the first time a pack lastest about 4 days.  by the end of this week...i will soon be smoke free, and to celebrate im going skating.   

TLC has a show about a hospital in New York for obese people.  brookhaven something or another.  the largest guy in there is a black man named dennis weighing almost 800 lbs.  several others were close to his weight, but he was the largest.  he sits in this hospital, and literally eats fast food delievered to him in bed all day.  he has so much fat that it is squeezing his internal organs, including his intestenal tract, thus slowing down the digestive system more.  he has an air tube that pretty much pressurizes his lungs, breathing for him.  but this other guy....     this other guy back in 1988 was over 1000 lbs.  u might remember hearing about a guy who had to be taken out of his home by tearing down a wall.  this is the guy.  he meets up with richard simmons, loses almost between 700-800 lbs, even ends up in some of simmons workout videos, lets the success go to his head, skip the diet, get back up to almost 600 or 700 again.  this man cannot walk three steps without having to rest and catch his breath.  he has not gotten out of bed in over a year.  5 grown men, EMTs are called to take him out of his home and take him to the hospital.  he has about a hill with about 10 steps down the waiting ride.  this man gets 4 feet from his bedroom and has to stop.  the decide to put him in his special wheelchair and kinda carry him down the steps.  he is in so much pain halfway down from the full weight of his chest as he leans back that he begins to struggle, and straining the EMTs.  they cut to a scene of him later saying, "we can send a man to the moon, but we can't find a way to move heavy people from their homes."  HEAVY??        tax money at work, moving fat people out of bed

there is a street by my house that has an "IMPAIRED CHILD" sign out front on the curb.  for the first time i saw the kid today, walking with his dad.  he fell to the grass, started playing, his dad, gingerly trying to get him up and walking again, looks around as if to see who is watching.  he looks at the sign infront of his house for a second.  i cant help but wonder what he is thinking at this point.  the boy has no idea what this sign means, all he knows is he wants to play in the freshly cut lawn.

at work yesterday, a couple dropped their car off for work.  there are many restraunts around so they started walking to one, paused in the middle of the parking lot, started discussing something, gave a little peck to one another as if they were going to separate, and then began making out.  this was not some kind of porn spectical, but it was interesting.  it was nice to see the kind of fuck everyone around style of it i guess, the passion.  that is until the the guy in the big truck that was distracted by something or another flew by and almost creamed the two.

some recent events have really opened my eyes to how ugly the world can be, or is, but that we are blinded to, as is how amazing the simple and often overlooked side of things can be.  but i think this is as good as it is going to be, ever.  take this VA tech event, what is this going to do for our childrens school.  will they be able to get through the front door without having their pen disected looking for some contraban.  or the whole greenhouse effect and energy crisis, things will change, yes, but what civil liberties, what sacrifices are we going to make for all this?  books like 1984, or minority report, r these going to be what sets the guidelines for the ways of the future world? 

eh, were gettin hit by a rock soon anyways right